Visiting someone in memory care can bring a mix of emotions, including uncertainty. It’s normal to feel unsure about what to say or how the visit might go. Memory care is a unique setting designed for people living with Alzheimer’s or other forms of dementia, and visits may feel different than they once did in other settings. Your loved one may not recognize you, repeat themselves, or behave in unfamiliar ways. These changes can be difficult, but your presence still has value. With a little planning and the right mindset, your visit can be meaningful and comforting for both you and your loved one. Here’s what to expect when visiting a loved one in memory care.

About dementia

Dementia is a broad term encompassing several disorders that affect thinking, memory, and reasoning. Alzheimer’s disease is the most common type, but there are many others, including vascular dementia, Lewy body dementia, and frontotemporal dementia. Symptoms can vary widely from person to person and may progress slowly or quickly, depending on the type and individual factors.

One of the more challenging aspects of dementia is the changes in personality and behavior. These changes can be unpredictable and sometimes upsetting. Understanding what to expect and how to respond can help make your visit to memory care less stressful and more meaningful for everyone involved.

Before visiting someone in memory care: What to know and plan for

If you haven’t done so already, take time to learn about the symptoms of dementia and communication techniques. 

Common symptoms include:

• Memory loss, especially short-term.
• Difficulty with language, including finding words or understanding speech.
• Repeating questions or stories.
• Confusion about time, place, or people.
• Personality changes, including increased anxiety, suspicion, or agitation.
• Reduced ability to perform familiar tasks.

When it comes to communication, some helpful approaches include:

• Validation techniques: Instead of correcting or arguing, try to acknowledge their feelings and respond with empathy, even if what they’re saying isn’t factually accurate.
• Redirection: If your loved one becomes upset or fixated on a distressing topic, gently shift the focus of the conversation to something comforting or engaging.
• Nonverbal communication: Make eye contact, smile, and use gentle touch to connect, especially when words are hard to find.
• Short, simple sentences: Avoid overwhelming them with lengthy explanations. Ask one question at a time, and give plenty of time for responses.

Other things to plan before your visit include:

• Checking with the memory care community to find the best time for a visit. If your loved one has recently moved in, the staff may recommend specific times that don’t interfere with activities and meals. You should also check with the staff before your visit to assess fatigue and behavior. If your loved one has had a tough day, it may be better to visit at another time.
• Preparing for the possibility that your loved one may not recognize you, become angry, or ask to go home. Plan to stay emotionally calm.
• Bring items or conversation starters that might help create comfort or familiarity, such as family photos, music they enjoy, or a favorite snack (if approved by staff).

During the visit: How to interact

No one can fully understand exactly how someone with dementia feels or thinks. However, over time, families, researchers, caregivers, and others have developed techniques that work in most situations. Remember that a person’s ability to communicate and understand may fluctuate from day to day or even from hour to hour. 

Tips on body language, eye contact, and tone of voice

• Don’t disagree or argue. People with dementia live in a different reality, and disagreeing or arguing is only likely to increase agitation and distrust. 
• Maintain a calm and patient demeanor. If you are calm, your loved one is more likely to be relaxed. Stay emotionally centered and empathetic, and allow time for answers to emerge. People with dementia often repeat the same thing over and over again. Allow them to do so.
• Use clear, simple language. Complex sentences or words may confuse someone with dementia. Ask one question at a time, using short sentences.
• Minimize distractions and noise. Background noise can make communication more difficult. Choose a quiet spot if possible.
• Maintain eye contact, smile, and listen. Everyone wants to feel that they are heard. Someone with dementia may be anxious, confused, and upset by their inability to communicate well. Good listening skills will be reassuring.

What to say or do if your loved one seems confused or agitated

Agitation and confusion are hallmarks of dementia and may indicate an unexpressed need. If this happens during your visit, there are several steps you can take:

• Ask about hunger, fatigue, pain, and thirst. Many people with dementia are unable to express discomfort voluntarily.
• Use a distraction such as getting a snack, starting an activity, taking a walk, or listening to music.
• Show empathy and try not to react emotionally. Acknowledge their frustration or anger, regardless of how misdirected it may be. 
• If the agitation increases, calmly let your loved one know you need to take a break and leave for a while. Notify staff who may be able to intervene more effectively.
• Keep in mind that many people with dementia have increased confusion and agitation during the late afternoon and evening (called sundowning). You may want to confine your visits to the daytime hours.

Activities for a more meaningful visit

Before you visit, consider planning some activities to do together. Keep in mind your loved one’s current cognitive and physical abilities. Ideas include:

• Taking a walk if your loved one can physically tolerate moderate activity.
• Looking at photo albums.
• Listening to their favorite music.
• Doing a simple art or craft project.
• Watching their favorite movies or TV shows.
• Attending an activity at the memory care community (with staff approval).

When to end the visit

If you visit memory care and your loved one seems unusually tired, agitated, or overstimulated, consider ending the visit early so they can get some rest. Your loved one may be sad or confused when you leave. Try to time your departure when another activity is about to take place to smooth the transition and give your loved one something to focus on. Inform the staff of any significant changes you notice during your visit.

After visiting someone in memory care

After visiting a loved one in memory care, the emotional impact remains, and self-care is vital to your health and well-being. Some suggestions for self-care include:

• Recognizing that visiting your loved one in memory care can be emotionally and physically exhausting.
• Remembering that guilt and sadness are normal responses to the loss of the person you knew. 
• Talking with someone, whether it is a counselor or a trusted friend.
• Practicing healthy habits such as exercise, good nutrition, and connection with family and friends.
• Joining a dementia caregiving support group, which can be a source of support and solace.

Visiting a loved one in memory care can be emotionally complex, but it’s also a meaningful way to stay connected. Each visit may be different, and not every moment will go as planned. Still, your presence, patience, and love matter deeply. By preparing ahead, adjusting expectations, and caring for yourself afterward, you can create visits that are not only manageable but also meaningful for both you and your loved one.